


Tea and Biscuits

by beformista



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett
Genre: Beginning of a Beautiful Friendship, Gen, Pre-Canon, Unusual inauguration presents, swamp dragons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:09:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29878869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beformista/pseuds/beformista
Summary: "Oh no," Lord Vetinari allowed himself to voice the reaction he's been holding on the tip of his tongue ever since he received this present upon his inauguration. Naturally, he held it in until everybody left the Palace, so there was just him and... this. Sir Chaos Calamity Crunchibones of Klatch raised his head to give a sad look to the new Patrician and let out a puff of smoke.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 8





	Tea and Biscuits

"Oh no," Lord Vetinari allowed himself to voice the reaction he's been holding on the tip of his tongue ever since he received this present upon his inauguration. Naturally, he held it in until everybody left the Palace, so there was just him and... this. Sir Chaos Calamity Crunchibones of Klatch raised his head to give a sad look to the new Patrician and let out a puff of smoke. 

Lord Vetinari frowned. It was somewhat unsatisfactory that this would be the first issue he would solve as the new Patrician of the Ankh-Morpork, but it certainly needed solving, and it needed it now. He took the dragon, making sure he did it carefully, without pressing anything that could cause a burst of flames to erupt from the creature, and left the Palace.

As he entered the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons half an hour later, he was met with the booming voice of Lady Sybil Ramkin, "oh, what a lovely specimen of the Retiring Smut you have there." She took the papers and the dragon from Lord Vetinari's hands and put the creature on the table. "New to dragon keeping, are we?" 

"Yes, but..." started Lord Vetinari.

"Don't worry, I'll sort you out. She pulled what looked like at least five brochures from a stand on her left and handed them to Vetinari. "I'll take a look at him to make sure you weren't duped and got a real Crunchibones, and we'll see if he's healthy, as well."

Lord Vetinari thought that he did, in fact, consider himself somewhat duped, as Lady Sybil proceeded to turn the little dragon this way and that and poke and prod him which caused two long stripes of flame to erupt from his mouth, burning a poster on a far-side of the room. "Don't worry, happens all the time," casually commented Lady Sybil. "We sell a charcoal mix that's best for them at that age. And you'll need to provide an enriching atmosphere for him. We've toys for that, of course, but if it's a possibility, it's best to try and simulate a swamp environment where you live. Not all people are ready for that, though, and that's fine." She finished her examination, put the dragon back in Vetinari's hands. "What else... try to make him run, at least an hour every day, or else you've joints problems on your hands in as little as a couple years. Make him chew some rocks to clean his teeth. We don't recommend cutting his nails, but if you do want that, it's better to find a professional."

Vetinari looked in abject horror at the bag she handed him and silently accepted it. Lady Sybil smiled. "And of course, if you have any issues, feel free to come back any time."

"He's drooling acid," said Lord Vetinari, sans dragon, six days later when he did exactly that. "The floors haven't melted through yet, but a valiant effort to make them have been made."

"Right! Might be an allergy to something in his diet. I'll need you to tell me exactly when it's started and what he's been eating then." Lady Sybil took off her soot-covered gloves and took a look at grime spots and little islands of still crackling fire all around that her assistant was trying to put out after the last examination. "I've tea and biscuits in my office?" 

The tea was too strong and the biscuits were better suited for cleaning dragon's teeth, but as Lord Vetinari moved from a rant about acid-covered floors to a rant about acid-spouting people he had to deal with, he hardly noticed.

"There are scratch marks all over everything," announced Lord Vetinari another five days later.

"Hm, the poor thing's clearly bothered by something," Lady Sybil nodded. "What else has been strange in his behavior? And how's that Guild business been going on? Let's go to my office."

After that encounter, Lord Vetinari ignored the Sunshine Sanctuary for Sick Dragons for close to three weeks, plagued by a vague and bizarre feeling of guilt. Finally, as the soot and the heat overpowered that unpleasant feeling, he headed towards the Sanctuary again, Sir Crunchibones in his hands.

"Listen," he said, before Sybil's smile and demeanor could make him reconsider. "There is absolutely no way I can keep him. He makes flames and I have an abundance of highly flammable things."

"Oh," the smile, Vetinari noticed, did not make an appearance. "I understand. Happens more often than you think. It wasn't even your decision to get him, making such a present is a highly irresponsible gesture. We can keep him in the Sanctuary, of course."

"Thank you," Lord Vetinari sighed, contemplating a sum he would be donating to the Sanctuary and the best way to deal with whatever else has been happening here ending.

"Tea and biscuits?" suggested Sybil. Lord Vetinari smiled.


End file.
